FAB Relationships: Toxic Love

Every day (or so it seems) you hear a story, of a couple and their turbulent relationship having ended in dire circumstances. In retrospect, their friends and family would attest to them being in love, but their relationship would still be described as volcanic. A popular example of this could be seen in the life of the late singer, Whitney Houston, who described her relationship (arguably not perfect) with her ex-husband as ‘crazy love’. In her words “we are crazy for one another, I mean crazy in love, love, love. When we’re fighting, it’s like that’s love for us. We’re fighting for our love.”

Pondering over her statement and how the relationship unfolded, it’s easy to see that there was nothing stable about that kind of love. Of course, couples have disagreements but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that loving passionately and fighting bitterly simultaneously will make for a rollercoaster ride; one minute you’re up and the next you’re down. Whilst that may be fun for a short period of time; over a long term period it does more harm than good. Another famous example of this tempestuous type of relationship could be seen in that of Hollywood movie legends, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, theirs was the epitome of on-again, off-again. Their love has been described as intense but there were many elements that made it go wrong.

Whilst one is not an advocate of divorce, it’s easy, looking in from the outside that there was flashing neon red, danger signs that both sets of couples should have been heeded prior to jumping the broom. For Whitney and her husband Bobby theirs was a mismatch, she was (arguably) a good girl and he a bad boy; as they say evil communication corrupts good manners. For Elizabeth and Richard, he was an alcoholic and they were both already married. Clearly it was a wrong foundation on which to build their own marriage.

So! Question is what makes an individual proceed into solemnizing a relationship that is clearly not healthy? What could be thrilling about having crazy fights and then making up, only to commence the cycle again? Or could it be, this supposed excitement, is what keeps the relationship going. As stated by Richard Burton, ‘he and Elizabeth lived on the edge of an exciting volcano, whilst it was marvelous, it could be murder’.

His words are revelatory as they give an insight to why some people proceed with such relationships. It suggests that they feed on that sort of energy; it may be that the ‘fire and ice’ nature of the relationship is the only thing that is sustaining it.

Using Whitney’s words, once again, as a backdrop, it’s interesting that she mentioned the word love several times, however, loving and fighting (in that chaotic way) concurrently, is a paradox. Perhaps the key to averting such a situation is to discover what love looks like thus making it somewhat easier to step away from such situations before signing on the dotted line. What you love, you protect, so if you love yourself, you will not put yourself in harm’s way.

“[1]Love is patient and kind, it does not dishonor others, it always protects.” If those are the components of love then it’s clear that this does not bear any semblance to turbulence. In the words of an unknown author ‘Love does not hurt, people do, love is not blind, people are, love is beautiful because people take care of it, love is ugly when people choose to spoil it’.